To Wait for the Lord
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth Does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, And to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, And vigorous young men stumble badly, Yet those who wait for the Lord Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.
Isaiah 40:28-31 NASB1995
As someone who feels like he's been told to "wait" by the Lord for quite a while at points in my life, this passage is both incredibly reassuring and heart wrenching to me at the same time. It starts and ends with extremely comforting thoughts, but the middle can be extremely difficult.
It starts by reassuring us that the Lord knows what He's doing beyond the comprehension of anything else in the universe (that's what alot of the chapter before this section is about), and that He does not grow weary. In fact, He gives strength to the weary, and to those who lack strength, He gives strength. All incredible concepts that speak straight to my soul. As someone who feels weak and weary just about every day, that thought alone is enough to make me want to cry. Especially when it is then followed up by basically calling me out by name. Youths grow weary and tired... Considering I've struggled with depression and anxiety pretty terribly since I was in elementary school, and then to feel like my soul has been pressed even more by the Lord in the last decade, and then even more again in recent months and years, and in many of those times I've stumbled badly... Yeah, Isaiah might as well have just written my name into this passage. (Though there's a bit of an ironic piece to this that wonders that as my youth fades so too will this cup pass from me?)
That said, I've found the next few words to be exceedingly difficult for me to learn to live with, quite literally because I don't always know how to live with them. "Yet those who wait for the Lord Will...". This concept has pushed my soul to the edge and back again. It goes on to say "will gain new strength", but it doesn't say "have strength during". This leads me to believe that there's supposed to be a season where we wait for the Lord without Him giving us new strength yet. That there's seasons within God's perfect and all knowing plans for us where we're supposed to be extremely pushed, sometimes to the edge, to test our faith as if by fire. 1 Peter basically says exactly that.
"Praise God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is so good, and by raising Jesus from death, he has given us new life and a hope that lives on. God has something stored up for you in heaven, where it will never decay or be ruined or disappear. You have faith in God, whose power will protect you until the last day. Then he will save you, just as he has always planned to do. On that day you will be glad, even if you have to go through many hard trials for a while. Your faith will be like gold that has been tested in a fire. And these trials will prove that your faith is worth much more than gold that can be destroyed. They will show that you will be given praise and honor and glory when Jesus Christ returns.
1 Peter 1:3-7 CEV"
According to 1 Peter, it sounds like that "season" may very well be up to our entire lives. This realization has rocked me to my core. But so far, in these last two decades of suffering and crying out before the Lord, 1 Peter has again held true. It says "have faith in God, whose power will protect you until the last day." Ironically, the two things I have felt the Lord telling me over and over and over again these years has been "I will give you just enough to make it to tomorrow" and "wait for Me". And He has. Though I don't often 'feel' the presence of the Lord, the times I often do are when my body and soul are near deaths door, and I feel something supernatural pick me up just enough to make it to the next day. Never enough to thrive, but always enough to survive. And in those moments I always know it's a strength that didn't come from me.
The "wait for me" piece... Wow, that one has been exceedingly difficult. On the surface it doesn't sound so bad, potentially even restful. Waiting means I don't have to do anything, right? Except, I've found that that's just not how life works. Even when waiting for the Lord we still have to "do" life. We still have to make decisions and walk in them. Still need to work, sacrifice, love, rest, etc. In waiting for the Lord, the pace of our lives doesn't necessarily change. So then how do we wait?
Honestly, I'm still figuring that bit out, but it has led me to a very interesting place. In this time of waiting, the Lord has pried open my hands so that they're nearly fully open to Him every single day without worrying about tomorrow. (I say nearly, because I know that for as much as the Lord has cut from me, I know there may forever need to be even more work He has to do on my heart and soul in this life.) He has really brought me back to very simply the directing words of Christ. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, and love you neighbor as yourself". So that's how I'm supposed to wait - love God, and love those He puts in my life for me to love on His behalf.
Though, in my lack of strength I find even that to be hard for me. And even still, I wrestle with the Lord in this waiting every day. For I believe He's also ingrained into my being to be and live certain ways. He's designed me to be a dreamer and to long for certain things in this life. So how is it that I'm supposed to live with open hands and without worrying about tomorrow, and yet still dream, have vision, and ache for my life to be a certain way because I feel like that's what the Lord has placed on my heart? And how do I wait and live when I feel those things are sometimes in direct opposition to one another on any given day?
But then I remember verses like these -
"Let’s not become discouraged in doing good, for in due time we will reap, if we do not become weary."
Galatians 6:9
New American Standard Bible 1995
Or in NIV it says
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
Or John 14:1 where Jesus says,
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me."
The reality for me is that I am weary in doing good. I have been for a very long time. Attacks from my own weaknesses and from the enemy are continually knocking at my door. I usually take a James 1 approach when it comes to my own shortcomings. That my hardship and temptation comes from my own evil heart. Not that I don't believe in spiritual attacks. I very much do. I just have never thought myself significant enough for the enemy to have to attack me, especially when I already succumb to my own weaknesses plenty enough as it is. But the attacks in recent months have been severe and ever changing. Sometimes they follow me into my dreams to the point where I'm hesitant to want to fall asleep because of what may happen there.
But speaking of James 1, I believe this also applies, "But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."
James 1:5-8 NASB1995
Unfortunately, I think I am double-minded, tossed around in the storms constantly. Feeling unstable every single day. Because I don't know how to wait for the Lord. I don't know how to live completely open handed and still have a desire to dream and accomplish anything personal or professional in this life.
And yet, waiting is all I can do. Trying to hope that that beautiful new strength will come soon. To run and not get tired... To walk and not grow weary... Those are such beautiful concepts to my soul that they make me want to weep.
I was recently reminded that this life is our engagement period with Christ. That He is the groom and we are the bride, in ever present anticipation for the day He comes to take us to the space that He has built just for us onto His Father's house. So while I don't know how to wait, I do know that He will protect me until the last day. Then He will save me, just as He has always planned to do. That on that day I will be glad, even if I have to go through many hard trials in this life. My faith will be like gold that has been tested in a fire. And these trials will prove that my faith is worth much more than gold that can be destroyed. They will show that I will be given praise and honor and glory when Jesus Christ returns to take me home. For He does not grow weary or tired with me. No matter how weary or tired I grow with myself or with Him. Praise be to my God most high. For His loving kindness and faithfulness endure forever and ever, amen.
