Thankful That I’m Able To Step

Hey there digital world. Been a long time since I've posted anything online, social media or otherwise, but I figured today might be a good time for an update for anyone interested, since it's a relatively significant day for me.

It's my birthday! Jk, it's not, but to anyone whose birthday it is, happy birthday!

The last few years my profession has been as a corporate/commercial/documentary photographer and director of photography. I've enjoyed the work that I've been able to do, who I've been able to do it with, and the stories we've been able to tell. I wasn't really looking for anything different in that regard.

But God.

Well, let me back track a minute. For many of you who know me personally, you're maybe aware that I've struggled with depression and anxiety since elementary school. For those of you who have never dealt with that kind of thing, it basically means that I've lived the vast majority of my life without being able to find joy or peace in my soul. I'm also pretty equally emotional and analytical. Which means I analyze pretty much everything all of the time and then feel it just as deeply, and I can't really turn that off. It means I love and care really hard, hurt really hard when people around me hurt, but that I'm not able to find joy when other people find joy. I'm not asking for your pity in that (though prayers would be appreciated). I say that as a pretext for this next part.

I'm thankful.

I've prayed most of my life that God would let me know Him and walk after Him, regardless of the consequences. I'm thankful for the things my soul carries because they keep me humble, at the feet and in the arms of Jesus each and every day of my life. I can't express to you the hours I've laid on the ground and wept before my Father, often times pleading for Him to take me Home, but the answer I feel I receive is pretty much always the same... "I'll give you enough to see tomorrow. Just wait." And wait I have, for over 20 years.

You may think this is the part of the story where I say, "I'm healed! The Lord has taken away my pain!", but truthfully, kind of the opposite is true. These last few months have been some of the most painful and confusing of my life. After 20 years of this I've finally started trying medications, and the reality is that if I don't take the meds I have right now three times a day, I weep and break to the Lord on the floor for hours. For those of you who have loved me in and through those times, thank you so much. Your steadfast love has been a reflection of the light of Christ in my life.

But again, I'm thankful. I've experienced soul level pain and turmoil beyond what I thought possible. To the point where there have been times where my body has started to physically whither away and where I cry out to die (no, I'm not suicidal these days. I'm just ready for the healing of Heaven). But I know that pain significantly worse than mine exists in this world. I see it around me all the time. I've prayed to the Lord for a while "Father, break my heart for what breaks Yours. Everything I am for Your Kingdom cause", and I wonder if this is all His answer to that prayer. It humbles me in that it daily reminds me of Christ's suffering - how I hurt enough to cry out for death, and yet Jesus willingly walked into a soul level pain infinitely worse than my own, because He loves me. That thought alone makes me want to weep with thankfulness all over again.

The more I dive into Scripture, the more I see time and time again people being led by the Lord into pain and suffering. Sometimes because of sin and folly, yes, the Israelites have proven that time and time again, but also because it's in those places that the Lord shows us His heart in ways we wouldn't have otherwise ever known. King David had his own share of sin and folly, but the reality is that even though David was 'a man after God's own heart', his soul was often broken before the Lord in ways we don't see in Scripture outside of Jesus Himself. It was to the point where David actually uses the language that Christ Himself would ultimately use on the cross to describe his own suffering. David felt forsaken by the Lord, angry at his own folly, frustrated with God, alone, and angry at those around him on God's behalf. Not just in one chapter, but time and time and time again. Go spend some time in Psalms and you'll see it over and over.

But there's also something David always did at the end of almost every song he writes where he cries out in anguish. He thanks the Lord. He thanks the Lord for His faithfulness and goodness. He thanks the Lord over and over and over again. David understood the greatness of the Lord. He understood that the Lord was, well, actually LORD, and that in his brokenness he learned as Job did, that who are we to stand in opposition to the Creator of the universe itself? And yet that same God decided to love us, forgive us, sacrifice for us, and listen to our petitions. David knew what Christ knew on the cross. That's what made him a man after God's own heart. David knew the goal. He knew the nature of God. He knew of the Lord's perfect and fulfilling love. He knew his purpose. He knew that he would never stop knowing. He knew that even now, as I type this, that he is getting to forever experience that love, and that he's forever getting to grow after the Lord's heart.

So that brings me back to my first thought. But God.

I wasn't looking to step away from what I was currently doing professionally, but I have been sitting in darkness for a very long time pleading with the Lord to get to step, in any direction, in basically every area of my life. The truth is that some of the things He's asked me to step away from have felt like my soul has been torn in two. And I still feel that. Every day. He's shown me the lifelong dreams and desires of my heart and then asked for them back. I don't know if I'll ever be able to grieve enough the things the Lord has asked from me, and yet I know I need to praise Him for it all and worship Him for His faithfulness and loving kindnesses. I can say, I understand Abraham and Job much better now. Definitely not to Job's extent, but also alot closer than I ever thought I would get. 'Take up your cross daily and follow Me' has a whole new meaning to me these days. But at the same time, I'm thankful that I'm able to step.

Truthfully, I'm excited as to what I'm stepping into. It actually doesn't even seem like a job as much as just a daily response to His asking that I step. The Lord has blessed me by letting me help develop an organization that is quite literally going to get to build and fund the work of the Kingdom here on earth, hopefully after what it is in heaven. We're building a business that will, Lord willing, become a series of businesses and organizations, with partners all across the country, around the Biblical concept of Tithe. That's quite literally what we're calling it. Tithe. Tithe Lending. And yes, our first model for this business is giving 10% - not of profits, but of total revenue. But it's so much more than that. It's about serving by example the nature and posture of how Christians do business, build teams, are involved in their community, and serve one another. It's about positioning the posture of our hearts to be more like Abel instead of Cain. About letting our hearts break for the Lord and for His mission.

And we're building a Tithe Foundation to give all of that away to Christian ministries and non profits for the work of the Lord, especially towards kids. And we're not just supporting with money, but will be these ministries real partners. Supporting them with creative services, business and leadership development, etc. Because it's not about us. It's never been about us. Jesus is the way, the truth, the life. The ONLY way. And it's worth everything we have to go make disciples - and fund and partner with the people who are already going and making disciples, serving the poor, the widows, the broken hearted.

We think there's a solid chance the Lord may do crazy things with this. A national network of Tithe businesses (outside of just the mortgage industry) giving away tens of millions of dollars to Christian ministries in the next ten years doesn't actually seem that implausible. And the reality is that the people I'm getting to partner with in this are entirely more experienced than I am. They've already built those kinds of companies before. They just want to do it for the Kingdom now. I'm just blessed to be the person who gets to help tell the story, and today, December 1, 2022, is my first "official" day in getting to do that - Chief Brand Officer of Tithe Lending, and President of the Tithe Foundation. Lord willing we'll officially launch one month from today.

We know that the Lord's ways are higher than our ways. We may die tomorrow and be blessed by heaven itself. The Lord may have me walk this path today and then turn the path a completely different direction tomorrow. But at least today, we're blessed to get to walk this path, this direction. So we're going to give it everything we have to build what He's placed before us to build. In my case, it will likely be through tears of pain as I seek out and beg Him for a peace and joy that I haven't been blessed with really fully experiencing yet. But when I look at Scripture, I feel reassured that the place joy is most often found is in giving, in sacrificial service, in loving our Lord and our neighbors. So while most days I'm just doing everything I can to hold back a flood of tears before the Lord my God, I am truly looking forward to learning the joy of giving.